I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
