i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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