Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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