If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
