I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
