Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize