She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize