just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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