I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
