he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
