what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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