Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
