Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
