I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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