Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
