I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
