he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
