I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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