the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
