I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
