I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
