i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize