You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
