i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
