You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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