Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dick has a subreddit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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