I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
