He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
