Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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