Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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