Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
