Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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