That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
