hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
