i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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