So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
