you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
