Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We need to get me chipped asap
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
