he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
