You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
