Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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