I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
