dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
