Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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