Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
