I'm drive I can fine osifer
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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