Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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