to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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