Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
