I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize