You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
