I'm really into asian looking animals
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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