Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
