Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
