I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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