i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You ruined the universe
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
