Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
