I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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